Self-Care for the Theological Community | the nashville self-care series

The Nashville Self-Care Series hopes to inspire women to be open to holistic ways of caring for themselves. Each of these self-care dialogues is with incredible women who may represent one career path but are a combination of employee, sister, mother, friend, and partner. When I was working with Mallory on this piece, I asked her "what should I call you because you do so many things?" And I believe that question connects with a lot of women who wear many "hats" professionally and personally. Dr. Mallory Wyckoff is a Spiritual Director, professor, writer and mother.  I am excited to share Mallory's wisdom on both her personal self-care practices and her spiritual reflections on self-care. 

What does a typical workday look like for you?
Having a 16-month-old and doing a significant portion of my work from home means that my days are seldom as structured as I’d like them to be, and each day varies. This has been a really difficult adjustment, so I’m continually trying to find and establish rhythms of rest and productivity that work well for me and for my family.

What are some daily, weekly, or annual/seasonal self-care practices that are beneficial to you?
One of the most important self-care practices I’m committed to is caring for my physical body, through exercise 4x a week and eating food that brings my body (and the planet) life. This practice just seems to set the tone for all the others, as it reminds me of so much: that my body is good and sacred; that I cannot live in my head but am an embodied human being; that the decisions I make towards health allow not only me but the creation around me to flourish; etc. Beyond this, my given season in life as a work-from-and-stay-at-home mom makes routine self-care practices difficult. Some days I mourn this, but most days I try to be open to any simple practice that allows me to be kind to myself and to live fully and presently. This might mean spending a few minutes in quiet meditation while I stretch after a workout, or it might mean lighting a candle from Anthropologie that smells impossibly good, or it might mean buying the freshest ingredients I can find and making a good meal for my family, or it might mean playing calming music that helps me breathe deeply and resist the urge towards anxiety.

After having my daughter I realized early on that it would be impossible to have a perfect schedule (because babies change every week and as soon as you set a schedule they manage to disrupt it), but I felt confident we could find a rhythm, a general orienting flow to the day. This is also true of my self-care practices. It is difficult (impossible perhaps?) to have a set of practices that are static and certain right now because one blowout diaper can quickly disrupt every best-laid plan. But what I can do is operate from a deeply rooted theology of human dignity, knowing that my entire person—body, mind, spirit—matters, that I am worthy of receiving kindness—even and especially kindness that I extend to myself—and that being a grateful recipient of kind acts opens me up to offer them to others in my work and service in the world. Starting from this point helps me aware to wherever, whenever, and however I am being extended that sort of kindness, that opportunity to be fully present in a moment and see the enormous sacredness of the whole thing.

How have self-care practices impacted your life and work?
I am, in some ways, a machine. I have an absurd capability to produce, to perform, to achieve, and to do it all as efficiently as possible. It is the mechanism I’ve developed to interface with the world and to survive, and in some ways it has served me well. But in other ways, I spin my wheels so hard and fast that I’m hundreds of miles down the road before realizing that I’m out of steam and breaking down. Self-care practices speak truth to me about my truest self, that beyond all that I can accomplish or achieve or produce—even and especially the “good” things—who I truly am is a child of God, and a human being made in God’s image. I do not need to push myself to the furthest limits of my abilities. I do not need to be efficient in all things. I do not have to serve everyone in every way possible. These are all parts of my false self, rearing its rather ugly head. Self-care speaks to and from my truest self, reminding me that I can rest, and I can receive good gifts, and I can be cared for, and I can be loved—independent of what or how much I can produce and accomplish. This is a liberating message. And when I choose to hear and imbibe that message, I also stop demanding that others produce and accomplish and keep my same frenzied pace. I instead allow them to be beloved image bearers of God, worthy of being seen and cared for and loved.

Are there any practices of self-care that you are implementing in 2018? Why?
I want to be more connected to other humans. I am a task-oriented person, and if I’m honest with myself, I sometimes see people as obstacles to my accomplishing those tasks. But when a friend invites me to have tea or to go out for drinks, I want to say yes and to say it fully and not see it as keeping me from my very real and demanding stack of to-do items. I want to initiate this more, and to receive others’ invitations with gratitude.

How does your industry/field practice or promote self-care?
My training and work are in the field of theology, and in many ways the Western church has adopted really bad theology about the body, speaking of it solely or mostly in pejorative terms and relegating it to a status inferior to things of the spirit. But true, good, biblical theology honors the body, honors creation, and holds all these as sacred. So, when we are at our best, we theologians not only speak of the sacredness of all of creation but we live from and into that reality in the ways we care for ourselves, for others, and for all of creation. When we are at our worst, we speak and live in ways that drive further the perceived disconnect between sacred and secular, body and spirit. Sometimes, good self-care can be part of what helps us navigate how to hold together those pieces that never were meant to be separated.

Are there any books/movies/songs that are currently life-giving for you?

Here are things that are currently bringing me life, all for various reasons which share one common thing: they orient me to the present and help me live more fully as a human being. 

• Blue Volcano candles from Anthropologie

• Music for meditation that makes me feel like I’m at a spa

• Lemon La Croix, every day with lunch

• High intensity interval training that makes me sweat and release whatever my body and pores have been carrying

• Bon Iver, on repeat

• Taking time to work on a book that I need to give life to, and seeing it come into form

• Diffusing essential oils

• Reading books with my daughter as she sits on my lap

• Homemade, creative cocktails with fresh ingredients

• Oprah’s The Wisdom of Sundays book

• Rob Bell’s podcasts that help restore my sanity

• Watching Jerry Seinfeld’s “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” and being reminded that there is a lot to laugh about

Mallory Wyckoff (DMin, MTS) lives with her husband, Tim, and daughter, Olive, in Nashville, TN, despite her sincere dislike of country music and Southern food. Mallory is a spiritual director and seeks to create safe spaces wherein people can explore more fully the mystery of the Divine and who they are as image-bearers of God. She also teaches in the College of Bible and Ministry at Lipscomb University, and works in the DMin department supporting students in their doctoral research.

If you are looking to add counseling into your routine and rhythm, then contact Jessica at 615-979-4168 or by filling out this form. If you want more information on self-care check out these resources. 

Self-Care for Social Workers with Lydia Burris | the nashville self-care series

The Nashville Self-Care Series is a resource for each of us to hear how other women are taking care of themselves in the midst of busy lives and hard jobs. Each interview brings a new perspective because self-care looks different for everyone. I am excited to introduce this week's guest blogger, Lydia Burris. She is my favorite social worker and my sister. I cannot be more proud of the work she does for Nashville students and the school system. Social Work can be a heavy job and I am so grateful to hear Lydia's perspective on Self-Care and Social Work. 

What does a typical workday look like for you?
One of my favorite parts of my job is that every day is different. My day may be packed with meetings at schools and appointments or I may be in the office for the entirety of the day. Every day, I answer emails and am on the phone with clients, school staff, therapists, and juvenile court staff. I primarily attend Individualized Education Program (IEP) meetings for students with disabilities and advocate on behalf of what the parent or guardian wants for their child’s education. I also attend meetings regarding school discipline and meetings with the Department of Children Services. Other days, I provide training to community agencies regarding special education law, visit my clients in juvenile detention, go to court with my clients, do home visits, or visit kids at school. Having the variety in my schedule helps me avoid burn out and gives me something new to look forward to when I am starting to feel exhausted.

Jessica's two favorite social workers. Lydia Burris and Brené Brown.

What are some daily, weekly, or annual/seasonal self-care practices that are beneficial to you?   
I know my mental health is always better when I am getting enough sleep and exercising regularly, whether that be running, walking on my lunch break, or doing a Yoga with Adriene video, so I always try to incorporate those into my daily and weekly routine. For me, I know that relationships and connection with others are really important ways to take care of myself, so I try to make sure that I am getting enough social activities in through spending time with friends, families, and my husband.

This past year, I knew that I really needed to do some personal work, and I started seeing a therapist regularly. Seeing a therapist was one of the most beneficial ways that I was able to take care of myself during a difficult time, and I would highly recommend seeing a therapist who you connect with to anyone, especially anyone in a helping profession.

I also find it really helpful for me to be involved with a faith community because I find that doing this work can feel really lonely, and it is so beneficial for me to connect with others in my neighborhood and community even if they don’t always understand what I do at work. Even though I work with youth, I spend more time working with parents and school staff, so I teach the kids at my church every week. I find that to be important because it gives me time to build relationships with kids without having it be a part of my 9-5 routine.

Professionally, I love going to trainings because it not only makes me more competent, but it is so nice to be around other social workers. I am also typically a guest speaker every semester at the college I attended, and I really appreciate that opportunity to give back to a community that molded me into the social worker that I am today.  I find these experiences so much more helpful long-term than getting my nails done or getting a massage.

How have self-care practices impacted your life and work?.
When I started my job four years ago, I really didn’t understand how important self-care was, so the first six months of my job was really challenging. My boss repeatedly had to remind me to give myself more grace, which has been really formative for my career. Since then, my practice of self-care has improved significantly, and I feel like another person both professionally and personally than those first few months.

I think boundaries are so incredibly important, so as soon as I started my job, I refused to get my work emails coming automatically to my phone. It helps me focus on what needs to get done, and it means I’m not accessible when I’m off the clock. It’s already difficult enough to not take our clients’ stories home with us, so having this feature turned off really helps me stay balanced and healthy personally. 

What are some obstacles in this season of life that make self-care a challenge?
When my schedule is packed, I know that my practice of self-care practice automatically decreases.  Also, this political climate that we are in currently is really challenging for me in a lot of ways. I try to pay attention to the red flags when I know that I’m not taking care of myself well enough.

Are there any practices of self-care that you are implementing in 2018?
Because I know exercise is really important for me, I try to run before work when I know I have a difficult meeting that day. Or recently I had a tough day at work, so as soon as I got home I jumped on my bike. Thirty minutes later, I felt like Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde because “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.” Regarding exercise, I’m really working this year on not shaming myself for not being faster, stronger, as good as that girl over there, etc. Exercise is not self-care when you end up shaming yourself for not being enough.

I recently started doing a Shame Resilience Group led by my therapist with a bunch of my close girlfriends, and we are going through (my Social Work Queen) Brené Brown’s curriculum. I’m really looking forward to this because the work is so important personally, but I am also getting to improve my relationships with my friends. Having a strong community of women who empower each other has truly changed my life.

Even though it’s more expensive, my husband and I save money for vacations and weekend trips to get away. I was really struggling at work last April, so we scheduled a weekend at the beach for the end of May after school ended. As soon as I knew it was on the calendar, my outlook on work and life was immediately different. I really try to be aware of what seasons are most difficult at work and strategically place events in my calendar to give me something to look forward to.

How does your industry/field practice or promote self-care?
The social work profession really values self-care, which absolutely makes sense considering the difficult work we do and the secondary trauma we experience. Throughout my education, we always discussed self-care and the importance of it to our health and our longevity in this field. Unfortunately, I didn’t walk away from school with a strong understanding of what self-care should really look like for me personally. Because self-care has to be individualized to your personal needs, I would recommend to anyone in school or before starting a new job to start figuring out what works best for you as soon as possible. You need those skills incorporated into your daily routine because it is hard to determine what works when you’re already exhausted from the learning curve of a new job or you’re in the middle of a crisis at work.

Are there any books/movies/songs that are currently life-giving for you? 
When I’m feeling stressed before a school meeting, I often blare “Glorious” by Macklemore & Skyler Grey as I drive.

Anything by Brené Brown. Meeting her was a bucket list moment for me for sure.  I just ordered The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, and I can’t wait to read it. When I need a break from anything heavy, I love a good easy-read Chick Lit book.

Lydia Burris, LMSW provides educational advocacy with students with disabilities who are currently involved in or at-risk for the juvenile court system. She believes that all students deserve justice in the classroom. Lydia and her husband live in Woodbine and love their neighborhood. 

If you are looking to add going to counseling to help during this stressful season in your life, contact Jessica at Jessica@JessicaMcCoyCounseling or call 615-979-4168. 

Self-Care for Creatives with Lillian Dokken | the nashville self-care series

The Nashville Self-Care Series will show how real women practice holistic self-care. Often times you can forget all of the ways you are already taking care of yourself or you may need some new ideas to create your own self-care plan. This series hopes to give you insight into the variety of ways women in Nashville take care of themselves. 

This week's self-care dialogue is with Lillian Dokken, the founder and accessory designer of Lilli Dokken. She is a passionate creative that is bringing beauty into the world. Her thoughts about balancing self-care and a small business are honest and refreshing.  

What does a typical workday look like for you?
My workdays are never really consistent… A schedule is one thing I am hoping to do better this year. I typically get up (as of January), do a devotional and write in a prayer journal, and then move to my studio where I check my emails and take on whatever task is at hand that day. This varies based on what is going on. It could be designing, setting stones, filling client or wholesale orders, doing a custom order, water-coloring a commissioned Birthday invitation – haha. It really is whatever is “most important” at that moment.

How have self-care practices impacted your life and work?
I honestly feel like my self-care practices keep me “human.” They keep me sane. If not, I think I’d be a full-blown (burnt out) workaholic:

Exercising: I don’t always want to do it and don’t always do it, but I can tell a huge difference in my energy and mood when I do vs. when I don’t. It gives me mental clarity and often makes me feel more creative. Also, if I’m doing it outside, it makes me aware of God, gets me out of my head, and allows me to focus on Him.

Seeing a therapist: Going to talk to someone every few weeks is so helpful. I am always able to work through any issues I may be having with relationships, myself, or my business. Getting another perspective on things is just so healthy for me. It’s also a scheduled way for me to “leave work” and get out of the house.

Reading / listening to books and podcasts (on my personality type, self-help, or entrepreneurial things): Reading or listening to these things make me more self aware, which helps me grow as a human. For example, reading about my Enneagram type (4 with a 3 wing) allows me to better understand myself. I am more conscious of how I think, feel, and act (or react) now that I know my type. I’m able to try to improve / be aware of any unhealthy things I do. It also helps me give myself a little bit more grace.  

Reading a devotional and keeping a prayer journal: I’ve noticed that doing this in the morning sets my mind in a new perspective before I start my workday.

Eating (mostly) healthy: When I start to eat poorly, I can tell. It often effects my mood, breaks my face out, and makes my confidence go down, so I try to stick to a fairly “healthy” diet.

Hanging out with my husband, family, and friends: I’m on the line of extrovert / introvert, but I lean more towards an introvert. My husband, however, is very extrovert.  Since I work from home, it is VERY healthy for me to interact with people regularly outside of work. If I didn’t have him, I honestly would be very bad at this. Thankfully, he holds me accountable to spending time with others. He gets a healthier and happier wife when we plan time with friends, each other, or family.

Church / small group: Same as above. It holds me accountable to seeing friends, meeting new people, but also growing in my relationship with God.

Taking on something creative - that doesn’t feel like work: Allowing myself to take on something creative that doesn’t feel like work helps me from getting burnt out on my creativity.

Meetings with my brother-in-law: These meetings are for my business. I’ve learned I work better with accountability. He helps me come up with business goals and the next steps to reach them. He has been so helpful in holding me accountable to these things. I honestly don’t think I would be where I am today had he not stepped in and helped push me forward.

Asking for help when I need it: Whether it’s asking someone to help me with my business or asking someone to help me clean our house – I’ve learned that asking for help takes a weight off of me.

Keeping my house clean: I can’t stand a mess. If I’m stressed, a messy house literally makes me go nuts. So loving myself by cleaning the house fairly often is key for me.

Literal self-care: This sounds silly, but working from home makes it easy for me to wake up and be in “go mode”. There have been days where I will stay in my comfy clothes, forget to eat, brush my teeth, or wash my face because, for whatever reason, I immediately got up and went into working mode. I tend to wake up with my mind set on getting something accomplished (hello Enneagram 3 wing), and can easily get going. Before I know it, my husband is home from work and I haven’t done the first thing to take care of myself. I’ve found (OBVIOUSLY) that I feel better on the days I actually take the time to get ready and feed myself properly. I’ve also found that taking the time to read a devotional and pray in the morning forces me to set my day differently and not start working as soon as my feet hit the ground.

What are some obstacles in this season of life that make self-care a challenge?
As stated above, working from home can be an obstacle. I tend to not properly take care of myself – or become too invested in working because it is in my home and so easy to do (at any hour I want). This has also made it challenging to hang out with others because I’ve:
A) Made myself too tired by overworking.
B) I didn’t take care of myself that day.
C) I feel I need to work more. (The line of when to stop working is blurry because as a one-woman show, there is A LOT to do in order to keep the business running.)

Are there any practices of self-care that you are implementing in 2018? Why?
Not to repeat myself, but I’m trying to create a loose “schedule.” My first step for this is reading a devotional every morning and doing a prayer journal. This is putting me in God’s presence before I go into my workday. So far, it seems to set my mind in a better place and start my day out on the right foot. I am currently reading New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp and using Kristen Ley’s Thimblepress Prayer Partner to hold me accountable.

·How does your industry/field practice or promote self-care?
I don’t know if I have seen it specifically in the jewelry industry, but I think there are a ton of other great small businesses in various industries that can shed a positive light on self-care. I typically find this in the social media world or listening to podcasts when other entrepreneurs are just vulnerable about the TRUE ups and downs that small business holds and talk about how they handle it. I also find it with other friends that have a small business.

A few good hashtags to look at for some posts that lead to vulnerable business owners: #thedarlingmovement #communityovercompetition #therisingtidesociety. The rising tide society is newer to me, but they focus on bringing entrepreneurs together and creating community locally.

How would your industry/field look different if self-care was a core value?
I think that it would be such a relief to see that other companies HAVE to take the time to have self-care. I think It would show a healthy/realistic view that running a business isn’t only the beautiful things you show on social media.

Are there any books/movies/songs that are currently life-giving for you?

• Girlboss

• Big Magic

• You’re A Badass

• Anything Brené Brown

A Little More about Lillian: 

I’m Lillian Dokken – founder and designer of Lilli Dokken. Adorning others is a part of my being. I have always had a zeal for creating. It was my love for tactile things and adornment that led me to my college, Savannah College of Art and Design, where I discovered my passion for designing. After graduating with a B.F.A. in Jewelry and Objects, I designed accessories for Lilly Pulitzer, until I took a leap of faith and decided to start Lilli Dokken.

Growing up with a mother as an interior designer has been a huge influence on my process. It was her love for vintage objects that made me see the value in things from our past. I knew from the start that I wanted to incorporate vintage components in my work as much as possible. When jewelry holds a piece of history, it distinguishes itself and the individual wearing it. Sourcing these materials is almost too fun - I feel like I am digging for treasures. I use a combination of materials that vary between new and old glass stones, foiled and unfoiled Czech & German stones, as well as Swarovski stones with a base metal of plated brass. 

I strive to keep the jewelry process as local as possible. All Lilli Dokken products are assembled by hand here in the USA. I have high standards for my line and check each piece personally before it is shipped off to its new home.

Follow Lillian on Facebook and Instagram. 

If you are in Nashville and are ready to check in with a professional to create a self-care plan, contact Jessica at Jessica@JessicaMcCoyCounseling.com to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation. If you are looking for more self-care ideas, then be sure to check back next week for more of the Nashville Self-Care series.